I want to be happy.
There is a logical part of me that knows that ‘happiness’ is a transitory state. It comes and goes, flits in and out of everyone’s lives- I know this. But for some reason, our society, has this idea of happiness being this substantial, obtainable lifestyle. And it’s so damaging. I know this. It’s so brutal, seeing models and bloggers on instagram in their glossy, spontaneous lives and knowing that it must be fabricated but unable to shake the feeling of guilt, of shame and of inadequacy.
And yet- what if one day, I woke up and went ‘fuck it. I’m going to be happy.’ Can I do that? Can I decide to be healthier, look after my body- love my body, love myself and so learn to love those around me 10x more? What if I looked at one of those tumblr posts, the ‘six things you can do every day to be happier’, took that advice and transformed? If I took a bubble bath every Sunday, read for an hour every day, got 8 hours of sleep every night, kept on top of work- who would I be?
(yet, yet, yet. this will never happen. I can’t go on a run every saturday morning if most days I find it a struggle to get up and get dressed. I can’t spend hours on self-care if every day I break down under the pressures of my exams, my essays, f u c k i n g s c h o o l.)
I think happiness will find me, a net that will suddenly exist in two years, five years, when I get a girlfriend or boyfriend, a house, a job- but maybe it’s me who needs to wake the hell up and work for it.
The other day, I faced a shock. My best friend, my positive, glowing, unshakable best friend almost in tears over, what, a feeling of inadequacy? A heartache towards her foreign best friend who is ‘smarter’ and ‘prettier’ and ‘better at instagram’ than her? No. No! She is everything to me, and yet (yet, yet, yet) she secretly harbors the same, shitty, self-destructive, miserable feelings as me- no! She does not deserve this, how can she not she understand how special-… Oh.
Have I made a mistake? (am i special?)
d o i r e a l l y d e s e r v e h a p p i n e s s ?
My days are filled with revelations and still I refuse to step into the light.
(these are life lessons and I hate myself for not taking them.)
I am writing so many contradictions.
I just have to tell myself that I will learn.
(can I learn?)
Yes! I want to be happy. No- I want to appreciate things. I want take care of myself. I want to be passionate about things, love people and have new experiences.
Maybe, in this way, happiness will sneak up on me- but! I need to stop dreaming and start working for it. Small goals. Finding pleasure in tiny things. Developing coping techniques. Letting myself cry- and then moving on. Allowing change to happen. Preventing self-pity.
(so. am I a new person now? no
but i want
to try and make
my existence a p o s i t i v e
I will still be sad. but it’s ok. I’m ok.)
Am I slowly finding myself? Maybe, but for now I will still be UNKNOWN.